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To the Boy I've Loved Before: An Open Letter To My Almost Lover

First, i know it's a little bit crazy, coming from a girl who never dated you. But i'm gonna break up with you. 

We were never an exclusive. We were never an item. But i like to believe we almost were. We were never saying 'i love you' to each other. But we have the 'zing'. I know we have the zing when i met you in front of my office when you picked me up from work, asking so eagerly to meet me just before i went to Singapore for vacation. Seems like you want to prove something for yourself and you were too afraid to let me go by even for a day. The zing was too obvious to ignore. I felt it and you felt it too, but you were holding yourself and politely saying be careful on my trip and wishing that you could see me again after my trip. 

We worked so well together. There's never a day that our conversation stopped because it gets too boring. Usually because you have to go home, or there's some work getting in your way, or i get too busy with my work. But we quickly get back and asking how things were going. Our conversations mostly filled with my funny story about my coworker, and you were there. Sitting patiently, listening without saying any words, and laughing while sometimes asking about details about the story. Sometimes you commented something and you keep laughing and smiling and when i asked you why are you laughing and smiling so often at me, you just said "You are cute, i can't help but smile and laugh a lot." makes me blush and decide to laugh with you. I'll let you in a secret: i always told you funny story and try to make you laugh because i love seeing you laugh and smiling. And i always love because the reason you laugh and smile was me. 

You have always been a gentle man and an adorable man. You politely asking if i sit comfortably at your weird motorcycle seat. You stopped and really asking if there's something wrong with me when you hear me coughing. You let me walk in front of you when the road is crowded while you are on my back, guarding me. You always offer to pay me whenever you take me places, even tho sometimes i don't like it because it makes me feel i owe something from you. You always say good night with your cute way. You like the color yellow on me, telling me to wear that much often because it look good on me. You always tell me to take care of myself first, before i get to help or take care of everyone else's. You always say i'm kind and nice and amazing and i like that you realize that. 

If you're wondering, i still miss you. Even though we have short time together, but feel like we have been together our whole life. That's why i have the courage to plan trips with you. To go together. Explore the world. Seeing new places. Visit places. Even hiking mountains and eating spicy food because you encourage me to.

At first, I don't understand why God makes us cross paths. I can't fathom the idea of why He makes us meet again after a long time, only to separates us again and return you to your former lover. I am angry. I am jealous. I was confused and bit frustated about the situation He got me into and decide to take you, the only good thing in my life that can make me believe i was worth to love.

You were sent to meet me so i can see that everyone who hasn't been moved on cannot be in a relationship with someone before they set their mind straight. That i should be with someone who is certain about their feelings. That if i ever loved someone, i should be ready for all the consequences that might happen. I cannot told someone about their decisions to stay or to leave from my life. That i should not giving all my expectations and make you the cure of my past problems. Even short, i am thankful that you come into my life and made a month of my life beautiful and calming. You were still a blessing in my life that i will be forever thankful for, and with this, i am letting you go.

I am letting you go from all of my expectations of what you should do, and how things should be. I am now letting you and i be free. I am gonna freeing myself from all the what ifs. From all the possibility of how things should be. From all the anger because you change your mind. From all the confusion of your uncertainty to love me. And start to embrace the things that will happen and the wonderful possibility behind it.
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