Here's How It Feels Inside A Mind of Someone With Anxiety

For people with anxiety, there's never a one fine day.

I wait for bad things to happen. For bad omens to show up. There was never a good that lasts forever. Things will always fall apart. A relationship would always end. People would cheat. Friends would leave. Sky will turn to grey and rain will heavily fall on that garden party you already prepared for three months. 

Things never come easy for me. Whenever I finally talk about my feelings to someone else, I eventually feel glad that something coming off of my chest. But then I realize that I am involving other people with my unnecessary problems and wondering whether I causing them too much problem because of my story. I often wonder whether I should keep those problems to myself and do I scare the people with my problem--due to my overthinking that I am apparently telling and revealing too much of myself.

I've dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember due to my childhood trauma. I was raised in a condition where I always feel not enough of myself. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. My grades weren't always enough. I have prettier friends than me. Growing up being compared by other kids is something I always experience, like it or not. It is said to encourage me. To make me do better than them. To make me better than anyone else. To make me do things better than I do right now. 

But it never encourages me. Growing up with that constantly being put on my mind, I always feel that: I'm not good enough, I will never be good enough, and I will always not good enough. There will always someone who does it better than me. Someone who is prettier than me. Someone will always have a higher grade than me and I would never be able to pull it off better than anyone. Then I trapped in this endless cycle where my anxiety gets worse and I will ask reassurance from people. I will need to hear that I am good enough. That I am doing well. That my grade, my body, my hair, my crooked smile doesn't matter. 

Then the anxiety kicks in. Even if I hear a lot of those things being said, there's this little voice in me that said it was all lies. It was said just to make me feel better about myself, so I would just shut up and move on with my life. It whispers bad thoughts about doubt and worthlessness about myself so then I would leash it to the closest person with me. Anxiety plants the bad seeds of doubts, makes me want to question everything. Anxiety makes me doubt and question good people because I will always feel that they aren't and they are going to leave anyway just like everyone else. Anxiety will always tell me to check on my boyfriend's phone because he had been flirting with girls when in fact he is not. 

I will always have this feeling of doubt, especially doubting myself. I will always have the thought of doing things in a wrong way so it makes people annoyed to me. It creates made-up self-destructive scenarios in my mind that I know will lead me to destruction but I follow anyway because it already consumes me inside. The next thing I realize, I already end up apologizing for the things that isn't happening. That only happens inside my mind and my over-analytical thoughts. 

Trying to control the things that you can't control is hard. I constantly trapped in those 'what-if's' moments and wished that I could do better. I hide behind all of those excuses about working way too much and things just because only in that moment, your bad thoughts wouldn't tell you why you are alone and here's the list of things that could go in a different direction. 

I wish I could stop thinking for a day.