Mrs. Words

For people with anxiety, there's never a one fine day. I wait for bad things to happen. For bad omens to show up. There was never a good that lasts forever. Things will always fall apart. A relationship would always end. People would cheat. Friends would leave. Sky will turn to grey and rain will heavily fall on that garden party you already prepared for three months.  Things never come easy for me. Whenever I finally talk about my feelings to someone else, I eventually feel glad that something coming off of my chest. But then I realize that I am involving other people with my unnecessary problems and wondering whether I causing them too much problem because of my story. I often wonder whether I should keep those problems to myself and do I scare the people with my problem--due to my overthinking that I am apparently telling and revealing too much of myself. I've dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember due to my childhood trauma. I was raised in a condition...

When was the last time you are able to take over your life and finally be able to do the right thing?  I did it a few days ago.  The guy I am with already has a girlfriend and he meant our relationship is supposed to be just for fun. But after some time, I caught in feelings and it bothers me a lot because he was invested time in me by taking me places, buying me gifts, meeting me halfway (I just can't with people who sacrifice their time just to meet me), texting me every day, video calling me in random times. He's fun and loving of course but I caught feelings and I start getting upset every time he told me he wanted to go out with his girlfriend.  Every time he did that, I always wonder "What is wrong with me?" Why I always be the second choice to everyone I hold most dear? Is it because I'm always around and easy to approach? Is it better to know that in his mind, I am the best? Better than his girlfriend like he said every time I asked him wh...

Right now in life, everything seems like you're coming to a dead-end. To the end of the road. At the edge of a cliff.  You absolutely have no idea where life might take you. You keep thinking of the life you've been picturing for so long--and this life isn't even close to what you're dreaming of. You haven't been on the place where you should be right now. That dream job hasn't been yours. Even the plan of getting married by 25 is forgotten because hell, every guy wants to take it 'casual' right now. You try to play it cool, try to brush it off. Telling people that 'I am living in my own timeline' or 'Things will falls into place for me one day' but you can't help to wonder: when is that 'one day' will actually happens to you? Why aren't you living the same timeline like your bestfriend who's already pregnant with her second child? Aren't you good enough either to be a mom? Why are you keep doing the same job...

What do you say when you failed a relationship? You will start blaming time. The thought of "the timing isn't right" will burst out of your mind, being the first cause of why some relationship doesn't work. Why some people aren't together. Why they ghosting other people.  We start using timing as an excuse of why we don't act. Why we never pick up the phone to say we miss them or apologize of things we did to them. Why we met all the wrong people in--we say--the right time and all the right people in what we thought, the wrong time. Timing become an excuse of why life didn't align to the things we want, instead brings us to the things we don't know we need it yet.  Since then we become obsessed with the terms 'good timing', but what exactly a good timing is? Is it when all the things makes sense to us? Or when every moment become convenient for us? Or when we finally have the courage to the things we always want to do, so we kinda feel t...

Sometimes we're so addicted in being someone's good story. Somebody's happy ending. The reason why someone change. The fact that "i change my life since i met her". The beginning. The drama that happened over and over again. The sentimental story that ended up good and we, are the one who plays our part right. Maybe that's why i stay in so many shitty relationship. In the name of "fixing people". Attracted to troubled man, trying to show what does love feel like. Feel happy when i think they're getting better because of us, but actually, it is them who finally realizing their worth on their own. The idea of someone, lost in their way, doesn't know what love is, or never experience the love like what we have. The need to save those kind of people. Who we think lost because they never have love like us. The one who we think the same as us because we've been there. We know all the pain. The rejection. The feeling of being left out. Th...

First, i know it's a little bit crazy, coming from a girl who never dated you. But i'm gonna break up with you.  We were never an exclusive. We were never an item. But i like to believe we almost were. We were never saying 'i love you' to each other. But we have the 'zing'. I know we have the zing when i met you in front of my office when you picked me up from work, asking so eagerly to meet me just before i went to Singapore for vacation. Seems like you want to prove something for yourself and you were too afraid to let me go by even for a day. The zing was too obvious to ignore. I felt it and you felt it too, but you were holding yourself and politely saying be careful on my trip and wishing that you could see me again after my trip.  We worked so well together. There's never a day that our conversation stopped because it gets too boring. Usually because you have to go home, or there's some work getting in your way, or i get too busy with my wor...